Misunderstood expectations consume me.

I can't believe Michael Jackson died today at 10.55pm at the age of 50.
What's worse is he died for cardiac arrest a normal death.

I expected:
"News Flash: MJ face melts off and then get's run over by donkey cart in LA!"

I hope his kids get looked after properly, preferably by the mom and without the towels over their faces.

He was a legend in the music industry. Micheal Jackson you left a legacy, I just hope someone else can make music as thought provoking as yours.

I hate it when people just down right LIE to your face.
It makes me wanna throw stuff and mutilate myself.

...

Breaking a plate is more do-able than cutting myself - I can throw the shards away but I can't hide the scars.

I sound like such an emo, what have I become. I wish I were a cat so that sleeping would be top on my agenda of the day.

My cat thoughts: SO WHAT EXACTLY IS INSIDE THIS CORD, must gnaw, must gnaw, to determine what's inside? GNAW - GNAW- GNAW - REVEAL YOUR SECRETS CORD other than you're chewy...

That insightful chat I had at the weekend affected me more than I thought.

Monday i was like a zombie and tuesday no better. The CEO made a blunt shot at me saying I looked 'drained' and wasn't portraying the image he wanted. This later evolved to I looked ugly, and as receptive as a brick wall. Nice.

It's hard to explain what I was feeling and well I thought I was more unwell physically but mental I don't know anymore. Perhaps his criticism isn't ringing any bells any more- instead they are breaking my barriers. Well it's obvious I'm letting my self down, I have put on 1/2 a stone in the last few months, how I'm not sure. I need to somehow look happy all the time knowing I have no money or long term co workers. i'll always be training ppl and hoping for the best and dealing with his tantrams.

My want for the project to succeed is still strong but whether I can work in that environment anymore is another question. He sat there for an hour calling me stupid and an idiot for not understanding the obvious. I'm not physcic and I definate envy anyone who is. Why can't I be appreicated for the work I do rather than BE expected tow ork like a race jockey becuase I'm an ethnic minority. All the white people who have been here are worships becuase they've bothered to give this project a second glance.

After a revelation of information from a ghost of my past - I have realized my reasons for working at my company are listed as : UNKNOWN.

The goal I had when I arrived have morphed a lot from what they were to what they are now - I can't pin point why but my feelings around the project are different more human but maybe not in the conventional way. My co workers don't seem to influence me any more because I'm the one stable entity and they will stay max a month, so why am I making the effort to socialise? Do they even care? Am I the starting point o their convo with other colleagues?

I feel resentful that I can't feel comfortable in a place I supposedly 'hang' out for 4 days a week...it's a large chunk out of my life. WHY don't I just move to boring admin work or become a librarian?

...


Never do something that your told to do if you don't agree with it, I've been doing that a lot recently and it's coming back to bite me in the ass. I've lost a ray of light that entered my life at the end of last year, someone who inspired me, gave me hope and made me smile. It's going to take a lot to get them to listen to me or entertain me again. Perhaps that is a sign for me to leave this cut throat place.

One email spoilt some sort of happiness I could of kept to the side toand keep me going.

One confimartion I got was people really did have fun on that fateful Friday when the boss and I were not around. That was the day it all happened but I never got the truth from ppl involved, they either feared I'd rat them out, didn't take me seriously or didn't turn up. I'm not sure if I resent this behaviour from happening or resent not being part of it - hahaha...I haven't lost my youth & humour yet...or maybe I'm immature and not career driven. Let's face it I can't belive I woke up at 5am today bothered by these things.

I'm so aggravated right now. I'm working my ass off, while other swan off doing the bare minimum or worse. One person is here is here cause they look the point. I stumble across a work mates 'twitter' & she's complaining about how boring the work is they r doing & back 2 asos shopping. CHARMING! Everyone is getting credit for the website that i'm breaking my back to make. Argh. Why is this burden on my shoulders. My rents will kick me out if I carry on working here 4 free. I've been thinking about mutilation, some self harm 2 let this frustration out. I'm too squeemish tho. What am I thinking?! I'll quick 2 piercings 4 now.

Yesterday was not the greatest day off of my life.

Well it went well apart from:

1. not drawing
2. having knee pains from when I fell down the stairs on Tuesday
3. being forced to go to the gym
4. my bookcase falling on me (if only it had books on it not pointy expensive figures!)
5. lost my red sock which I found last week after a few months of it being incognito
6. Eating no dinner as it all looked unfurfiling
7. dad taunting me about the bookcase.

I was devastated that I was squished by the book case but more upset some of my favorite figures got destroyed, this was due to my mum coming in repeatedly and trying to put the shelves back up which continuously collapsed and hit my figures over and over again.

Thanks mum!!!!

She then undermined me even further by telling my ill father who has the worst mood swings when taking his medication. He ended up taunting me from downstairs laughing at my misfortune and telling everyone else int he house. Eventually my mum called me down to go to the gym, I was not having any of that.

My knee was already swollen and my right side and back was now in pain. Even thought we eventually fixed the case, my ego was still bruised. She ended up bribing me with £20...not enough to cover the damages but enough to get me to the gym and do a half arsed session. Pain ruled today!

It's been a bloody inconvenience.

It's not so much about getting 2 work late but more about having to fight through so many sweaty lost business bods.

When someone says "Wow you look great in that dress" normally it's them either taking the piss, or genuinely jealous that they could never look that great in that dress so sending you bad karma alongside it and then lastly they would love to see you OUT of the dress.

I'm not usually this cynical, I just feel me twisted hatred coming back to the surface, now that hasn't happened since sixth form.

These days everyone has something to complain about so it's hard to measure my own problems amongst Jacky's " I don't have anything to wear in Peru! Why do shops not sell shorts anymore?" - because we rarely get a hot summer, British weather is fickle if you get some sun, it'll rain too.

Or Glor's "Nobodies love's me, I'm fat, and hate my life, give me sweet release kitchen bleach!" - yup suicide the easy way out but can I be bothered to be the attention seeking chick in my click? there are oh so many already. Anyways I belive if you do something, do it right, it's all or nothing.

SO after my nap and then rude awakening from Bobby at 1.30 and then 40 minute chat about his abilty to make ladies feel 'speacial' - lol gotta love his wording. I managed to drag myself to Eden Park to get ready at Leanne's. I was feeling wretched all day. Got there 7pm when the ball actually started but her and her sister weren't ready and Adele wasn't even there. LOL!

We ended up leaving her house at 10pm, i had already told Leanne i'd leave early cause i felt ill, but she was pissed off at the other too for wasting so much time I'd paid £30 quid and was not going to get my moneys worth <-- that was kinda nice of her to say that for me, even thought I'm sure she was getting annoyed with all the obstructions.

It was ok, the marquee had some cheese playing but then the DJ started playing boring jungle music. No special decorations, there were 2 sheesha's lurking around which I didn't get to partake of. Damn it. Went through the freezing field to club sandwich dance floor, danced a bit then FINALLY dj Max & Ob (from hollyoaks) to DJ. Got some ok photos but lefta round 12.45. My bro was throwing a fit about him going to bed, which he wasen't my parents wanted me back home thena nd there. Selfish but I was feeling ill so i went home anyway.

I've been thinking about so many things recently. My dad's bribe, the CEO's attitude about success, my art, my friends. I'm lagging behind and yet I'm working my hardest. Maybe I should apply 4 'the apprentice'.

After his chat yesterday afternoon I felt a bit resentful, he spent the day gassing away to the office, ended up making the Iranian chick cry (not surprised, I'm sure she'd not used to criticism). Ended up lecturing the mature 'successful' looking woman and well got offended when she wouldn't treat him to hot chocolate. that is kinda rude, don't offer and then not follow through. I'm not impressed with his behavior at all, we're never going to make money at this rate, what is this invisible barrier stopping him form selling?

I ended up calling him senile when he went on about how amazing Monika's PP and Behnaz's research was...well duhh I told him about it all on thursday but he failed to listen as usual. I'm the dumbass doing all the work while the others make his fat ego feel good. I'm bored of this.

Was up most of yesterday practicing my manga. Trying different styles whilst trying 2 let a bit of my own personality shine through. It didn't happen. All I got was emotion less faces. My mood reflects my art and i'm not happy at the moment. So I tried 2 put my anger there instead, got a better result! Wen I tried 2 go over it in my muji art pen (thick & fine on both ends) it had dried up. My arse of a brother nicked it, rinsed it and on top of that ate it's lids like nobodies business. Being an only child is the way 2 go.

Hope the CEO got some work done on Friday, while i'm away the mice play. It's sad but sometimes I think he's stopping himself from making money.

Later today i have the summer ball to attend, I don't want to go anymore...Leanne dosen't inspire any excitement and her sister dosen't acknowledge me and is more preoccupied with leanne's friend Adele, Adele is crazzzzzzzzy, we can't let her drink unsupervised. She is dangerous.

My outfit is coola nd I even unearthed my pink teapot bag, it's a bit dented but it'll do...I feel so ill. Nothing is satisfying my self lotahing, I will so emo - shame i don't have much balack clothes, i'd be sorted for work! LOL.

I decided to make the most of my day off. (after I baby sat the office crew in the morning) I went ahead and shopped in my local shopping center.

Saw some cool Jane Norman, h&m, dresses in one of the charity shops. Shame they were slightly too small but they were new and 3.50 each! Damn. I liked the black one. I might go back and buy it anyway and year a test under to retain dignity. Anyways as one does, I decided 2 do something risky and thrilling. I stole a top from Peacocks, it was weird and I was waiting 2 get caught. I wasn't too obvious took one without a security tag, went 2 the changing room with a few and bagged one then returned the rest 2 the original rack.

Wot nearly screwed me over was a shimmer stick I bought the idiot sales clerk didn't deactivate the security tag, so that went off wen I came in & out.

In a way any I went off wen I came in maybe the security guy gave me the benefit of the doubt?

What is wrong with me, why do I want attention for all the wrong things...i want to get punished for something i didn't really want to do.

I wish I could b something different. I hate being plan b, the escape goat. It makes me think of that crazy scotish cow that ruined my makeup career. Why do people screw each other over without even a 2nd thought? I was supposed 2 b involved in some sales meetings 2day. Boss ignored my progress reports most of the day that pissed me off as if got me 2 menial tasks and then slammed the door in my face 4 one of the meetings 2 hint that I shouldn't come in. I hope him & the 'successful' white woman have fun together as i'm getting bored of this crap, i'm being forced 2 note on. I'm not a door mat.

After yesterday's non exsistant lunch, I got git bad by acid in the stomache. Not good, ate at home felt queasy then couldn't sleep. Pain aching through my body, whilst selfish git took the sales assistant 2 coffee. What a travesty. I ended up coming in late today due 2 no sleep and continuing pain. Sarcastically he told me 2 eat something b4 coming in. Cheers 4 the sentiment a day late. Next the fun came. I word some retro clark sandels which belonged 2 my mum. I remember her buying them. They had strong alter and gold straps brought together by gold clasps.

They literally fell apart on the street!

I thought I was walking a bit wonkey, maybe gum stuck underneath, ohh noooo it was bits of foam falling off my shoe. The heel had slowly turned into a stumped and they became flip flops except the straps were coming apart to. So I had to walk back until it broke, and walked bare foot home - I know, imagine the diseases I could catch from the ground, I was more bothered about pigeon poo - I can't be smelling!

So new sandels were grabbed, shame this time by the time I got to the office the plastic straps had rubbed on my big toes and cut into my feet. I'm still itching now. I need to TCP it asap.

I'm starting 2 feel quite insulted having 2 double check other ppl's work. They are assigned 2 do it. They do well then they get praised. They screw up they get their wrists slapped. Why do I get pushed between the bullet & the target? If they make a mess it's MY fault as i'm overseeing their work.

Bullocks.

That opinionated editor, Katie, was packed this morning. It was her and day 2day and she was already throwing her weight around. Silly girl made two scenes one about expenses yesterday and again 2day about her meetings. What really pissed me off wen she was explaining 2 US what copyright was on photos. Give me a break I've only been doing this a year! Boss went with the 'successful' looking sales girl to the italieo cafe 4 coffee at 5.30 so she could get to her party on time. I always miss/cancel/arrive late 2 my plans whenever if finds out I have any. Why is it one rule for me & another 4 others....

So my dad desperately wants me to leave my job so in order to do that, he has sunk to the level of bribery. I have no problem with this tactic, depends how much :p

He gave me the media section from the Guardian newspaper and said that for every application I complete he will give me £20. However he wants printed evidence and I'm oh so lazy, I didn't do any last night and I send a request email for an application form just now to get the ball rolling.

It's difficult for me to apply to stuff in front of new people in the office, I need to set the example so I have to be clever about it. I can't have people use it against me.

My mum also dropped the Blackberry Pearl at this new strange middle eastern set electronics store, it must of been the incense making me feel nostalgic of the warmth I miss abroad. £10 to unlock cheaper than the guy in the wall nearby. He did however say the phone would work with my 3 network as it's not 3G compatible...so after 3 days of investigating I had a cool phone, I just can't use it! I spoke to a salesman in the 3 store yesterday in my lunch break and he said only the Blackberry phone would be compatible with 3G and that the other models may work but some features would be disabled.

It was all random finding this info out as I found myself there after getting lost on my way to 'So high Soho'. This place is in a labyrinth but worth it for the treasure they hold! They specialise in piercings, incense, patches, designer punk memorabilia, costumes, masks, wigs, nookart bags etc. I came here especially for their conditioning semi-0permenant hair dye. Which is over a pound cheaper than Sally's on Wardour street.

I also contemplated buying a top hat but I've decided to be the mad hatter's hare buddy for the Alice in Wonderland theme at my last ball - so no hat but I get to use my tea cup bag finally! Yay! Thank you Octopus for selling the weird and expensive!