Misunderstood expectations consume me.

Oh I'm lazy I forgot to note my adventures at the Royal docklands this October. It was definitely better than May. The stalls were on top of their game - except for the weird stall withj pocket watches, homemade top hates & general kickass costumes - I wanted to by a cameo chocker but there were none this time! How incredibly lame - also the boyfriend who helped the creator looks vaguely familiar - either that or I seriously fancy him. Not sure but totally over it till the next expo. I also found a new cool hat stall - it's all professionally made but it's all her own designs, i got a cool red & black card bunny hat - part of a pair but the older brother had been bought and I don't think they sold too many but perhaps just about made the money back from the stall. Weren't cheap but very unique.

Anty of course went to the usual stalls manned by non negotiable Chinese guys - she got her supply of posters and I found the slightly cute guy and bought a whole load of t-shirts from him £8 each but I bought 7 for £42 - I think he was like - 'you more....ummmm let me get the calculator... ' As I originally enquired about 2 then went up to 4 then 7...hehehe I then ran off to collect my £2 from Anty and he was folding them up for me. He also told me about another anime expo in November - he couldn't rmeember the details but told me to check www.neo.com - the magazine website - they'd be there of course selling their stuff.

I've realised people like me more as myself and recognise me for my Pikachu cosplay whereas when i'm Pikachu - they don't take me seriously - lol what ethics lie behind the mask.

My feature on Star Treck Daxes had been published and it had got around the senior staff I had done it - the head steward Chip arranged for me to get professional photos with both (worth £20 each and yes I got them individually done :) I also ventured down the autograph section to talk with Jannie to see if I could get my articles signed too - after saying no and crushing my hope - she told me she was joking and told me to come back Sunday at 11 to sort it out before the groupies harrass them.

Saturday was mad, Anty got me in the early Morning so she could set up Tammy's stall (friend of Anna) with her anime figures and generally we spent the morning scouring the halls for stuff and our shift didn't start till 1pm. We found out where the voice actors Mike Mcfarland (Full Metal Alchemist Director & voice of Ritsu - Fruits Basket) & Troy Baker (voice of Tales of Vesperia/Symphonia games & villain from Full Metal Alchemist) at the back in their own stage section! It would be mine & Anty's 2nd time seeing Mike, got him to see a previous photo, my new Full Metal Alchemist bag, a postcard for Jacky (her xmas pressie) but Troy blew us away with his gorgeous eyes and funny stories -I got him to sign my game sleeve for Symphonia and my Full Metal Alchemist promo book. I wanted to keep my bag exclusively for Mike & Vic M.(Voice of Ed from Full Metal Alchemist), however Anty, Josaih & Jerome said it'll be good to get the villian signature & Japanese directors (who are also here as it would add worth). I reluctantly gave in and planned to get the sigs on Sunday.

I really got messed up mentally this weekend by Friday's events. Laila quit on tuesday night. It was all a bit messy, she the week b4 gave the keys to someone else intending not to come in & without telling the boss who was actually in the office. I thought it was a bit odd. I wasnt in the office due to day off but... I think the boss went overboard on her, if i'd got to her 1st first they both Wud have had the argument. Yikes poor rose got suck in the middle. Well after that crap I tried to smooth things over but Laila clearly had an attitude even after the boss apologsed 2 her. Zoe was asking a lot of questions too, making me suspicious, didnt help her & Laila discussed the bosses conversation. I have gossiping. Needless to say they were both were on there way out. We gave :Laila a second chance, Zoe however had completed 5 articles in 5 days so she wasn't worth the electricity she was wasting in the office according to the boss.

Well I dealt with Zoe crying and being blown away the boss but the email I received the day after timed from 11pm the night before surprised me:

***** *****

--------------------

Ok so a farwell email after we discussed her coming in 3 days a week...fine but this is the email I received a few days later:

Dear *****

I am writing to inform you that I wish to raise a grievance.

This action is being considered with regard to the following circumstances: On the 11^th September 2009 I worked for your company as an intern, 2 weeks later I inquired your authorization for a day off however your remark was unjust,

You stated “because we both were Muslims I will not give you more advantage over others, who do u think you are, we do not work by the Asian hours here. No wonder white people are higher than Asians..... Asian people are quitters”

On the 13.10.2009 regarding the key issue you called me in your office and

Said “I put my trust in you as a fellow Muslim u let me down. You wear this hijab so people portray you as a religious person, but in fact you put shame on me”

You even stated “we work in the media company... a rich industry....only poor people work in shops and Cole mines”

On the same day 13.10.2009 I spoke to you, I asked you why u preferred to rise pointless issues such as Islam, culture and race in to discussion when it was not needed.

You answered “you display your religion, therefore I bring it up... you cannot tell me how I can speak to you and how I see you”

***** is a company that focuses on diversity; however this contradicts the whole ethos of the establishment of the brand as u wish to label people.

I am entitled to a hearing to discuss this matter. Please reply within 28 days of the date of this letter.

Sincerely,

***** *****

-------------------------

WTF? Why was I sent this email? At least do your own dirty work girl.

Ok I was being a bit dramatic before but it's needed in my line of work - media is the world of divas and I'm not nearly are showy and unique as I need to be - what do i need to get noticed, apart from my hair being red...dreadlocks anyone?

My admin/writer Yixiang is going on a last minute trip to China to see her family before she starts her new course in computer design - I'm really pleased she got on it - she has soo much potential & patience. I am, however, disappointed she's leaving - she's developed as a person and it'll be sad seeing her leave this week. Hoepfully in September she may come back part time but...

I wish my colleagues would stick around - when i make a good team - it so much hard work and I'm even having this human feelings called 'liking' and I'm gonna miss some of these lazy ass slackers...not that she is, she comes in late sometimes but she works with drive and passion and I admire that !

She likes hazelnut chocolate so i'm going to bring some goodies in Wednesday to say thanks (i'm not in on her last day...) ahh well they are all slowly leaving...

On a random note my boss'"s Ex girlfriend Katherine is coming in for a visit and basically make a point of him not being a perve. Fingers crossed she's a midget! I don't get how he 'apparently' seduces so many women - he can be so darn right rude -opening that mouth is a death sentence for the listener - he can talk for the world and about any old crap too. If talking was an olympic sport he's be undefeated!

I must drink more tea so i'm on top form when she arrives, I can't look dumb or too offensive - it's probably a test to see my reaction - thought his last girlfriend was a picture - she was a bee's hive short of a drag queen. So much for 'natural' beauty aye boss? Lol I'm not even being mean, I was confused and bemused - still am slightly!

I got in today around 9.10 and low and behold I was the only one! Not the first time but literally the second person to come in was at 10.30 and that's th CEO. The writer/admin girl isn't feeling ill and wants to 'talk' - never a good thing so will be in the afternoon. Our writer come editor is doing tuesday to friday then going part time next week. Our writer/marketing research girl is on holiday and then has one week left with us :(

Annoyingly the last marketing girl sort of left without a proper goodbye but said she'll come int to return our electronic pass...I wonder why she bunked off, she was so enthralled to begin with and we let her try a bit of everything -which was her wish and poof - interest gone.

is it me or am I the only goomba left?

Awww it's been great!

Wednesday night after I shot off at 6.20 I got home in time for mye and my mum to go catch a movie. A 2 hours Bollywood extravaganza - it wasn't bad at all. Despite the tacky ad's it was a funny love story - not too cheesy, good direction and the songs were ok. Not into bhangra but the ending theme was phat. A really good westernd club tune. The name is: Love Aaj Kal - Saif Ali Khan is still looking good - weird with a turban but whatever rocks your boats guys !

Thursday was my day off - I was chilled out, Dee wasn't free to meet up but asked her to take the next thursday off for moi. It was inevitable I wasn't going to feel well - the weather was terrible - the rain was fierce me and dad ended up driving to the gym to pick my mum up. There was no war SHE was going to walk home in that weather- lol and ruin her hair?! Heaven forbid !

Friday was terrible I had the stomache cramps from hell - I ended up calling the office at 8am left a message at reception so i wouldn't have to get up again at 9.30 to tell the office. Sue was lovley and told me to have a good weekend - I can't belive Bobby got me calling her Francis for weeks! It's a good thing she dyed her hair brown now as they did look somewhat similar before - or maybe I'm tlaking poo I I'm not sure if I've actually since Francis...

Bed was the only thing on my agenda yesterday. I got up around 2 and started my True Blood marathon, I'm now onto series 2. After that's finished it'll be recapping on Lost. Started downloading some new RPG's for the DS - including Hosigami, Lost in Blue, Lunar Knights & Space Puzzle Bubble ! Called the office at 5.30 just to check everything was ok. Poor Lilly was ill on Thursday and didn't come on Friday either - maybe the swine flu finally hit her? Well it's hard to belive her sister & sis's bf getting it and her NOT - they do leve with each other.

Gen didn't turn up which was weird - maybe her mum's court case on Wednesday didn't go well?
Spoke to Bobby he didn't sound as angry as he ususally does- perhaps he got a lot of work done? Normally when he hits around toungue wagging all day it frustrates him and then takes it out on me. I'm glad I've training Liz to have common sense and she helped him with interviews *Phew*

Why is it whenever I have hot chocolate on an empty stomach I get a tummy ache?

Is it the 3 spoons of sugar?
The intensity of the chocolate mix?
Chocolate & bile clash?

Chocolate in any form is bad. Mmmkay?

I had two oranges before hand - maybe the citric acid rocked the boat for me?
Last night saw a bizarre program called 'Super Skinny VS Super Sized' - great bedtime tv guys ;)
Apparently, one shot of Sambucca is 109 cals, a pint of lager is 250, Wine is over 150 - it's shocking should everyone who liks to binge drink just quit eating towards the end of the week? I don't drink and I certainly don't diet either but my friends being on' weight watchers' is driving me mad. The beginning is agonizing, them watching me eat like normal. The accusing stares and strong wanting of your delectable goodies. From then on they get into a routine of eating small portions whether it be salad or one creme egg a day - now when they see me eat my normal lemon chicken & noodle then begin to gag, how rude! I paid for my meal to enjoy not be be watched or vomited over! Weight watchers encourages eating disorders to be honest. You should be able to eat what you want but with reasonable portions and a little exercise.

Mine is normally walking to and fro from my train station to home otherwise 30 mins on the treadmill. I'm gone off the gym, I'm not into punishing myself anymore - I'm content being 'average' just as long as the Tommy Hilfiger Jeans fit - I have noooo problems. i only vomit when there prawns & dirty salad involved, yeah I mean you florette crispy salad! Never again!

FooD Journal

Special K cereal with semi skimmed milk & 2 sugars
2 oranges
1 tea with semi skimmed milk & 2 sugars
1 hot Chocolate with 2 brown sugars & semi skimmed milk.

I'm not dying for food but am content, I'll probably be rabid at around 7pm. Hopefully if I get home on time i can get changed, grab a snack then go to this 3 hour musical with my mum. I mean Indian movie, mu mum LOVES them. She deserves a day off from my dad & her dramas.

I've been feeling really 'free' or 'sporadic' recently, morely likely to do something random.

Now it depends on what you class as 'random' - my random would be to dye my hair with henna and get ginger hair and keep it curly rather than straighten. I wear more fitted clothes around the house. My self image dosen't sting me as much as it did before I feel ok about myself - I'm not the thinest i've ever been but most of my clothes fit - I eat to make me feel full not happy. I admit I did overdo it this weekend...

I've also decided that my freak of a brother who keeps poking my face has diease or shit on it and that's the reason I'm getting spots - he did it again and that area is now inflamed and has a big nasty spot. It's disgusting I'm going to break his arm if he does it again, I don't care if he's skitzophrenic I am not going to let myself be victimised.

Shows I've been watching recently that cheer me up - Desperate Housewives which i thought was similar to Sex in the City - it really isn't I quite enjoy the jealousy and mind tricks - reminds me of my boss. Tru Blood - is essentially sex - but with Vampires! I like how the main girl isn't exactly good looking - really odd if anything like the main protagonist George from Dead like Me - now she was weird looking and cynical as a cat. I'm on episode 8 of season 1, gonna finish watching it beofre other bro comes back. Need to do some editing in my room for tommorrow's homepage. Really sucks that Lilly has swine flu (or playing hookey) cause it means I loose my weekends and evenings picking up the slack.

It was my first time attending this Sci fi convention and it was a strange event compared to the MCM i normally work at. It was more about autographs than about the shopping. Luckily Anty had brought me & Carla there for the amine voice actors. We had to big ones - Vic Mignogna( Ed from Full Metal Alchemist, Ouran Host Club,Disgaea 3 & many more) & Spike Spencer (Shinji from Evangelion, Dragon Half, Goh from Pretear & many more). It was free too. So we got loads of pics with them and everything signed. I even bought an Ouran poster for Vic to sign as I defo want Mike Mcfarlene & one of the shady twins to sign it at the next MCM expo :)

Other noteable guests were Sam Baccula (from Quntum Leap & Star Trek Enterprise), Daniel from Star Gate, Baddie from Fright Night & Princess Bride, Tom Baker one of the Doctor who's, the guy in the Darth Vader suit, Cat from Red Dwarf, Surhinder & Haiten from Heroes, WHite guy from 'Desmonds' and from Star Trek Enterprise. I was quite impressed with my pics!

Overall we actually got to wlak around and not get trampled on, queues were accepatble - there were more food alternatives but gosh were they still a rip!

Well a few events of note happened in the space of my last entry and todays...hmmm let's see.
So two weeks ago got annoyed at the way I work my butt off and get treated like crap at work...so went back to my friends for her bday thing - got royally drunk - i mean drank a pink class of dirty vodka and didn't care, I knew something was up when my face went numb and when I walked I felt like I was floating. Weirdest feeling ever. this was my first drunken stuper. It had to happen. No one is indestructible and now I know my limit. I was quite in control it was only after we left the sweet shop to top up Bev's oyster card and get me a milky way did my memory haze. I couldn't recall my bus journey or going in to the tube station. Apparently i fell asleep and looked like I was gonna heave once we got off the tube. i think it was a mix of heat & motion sickness to be honest. otherwise I was having a whale of a time :) I kept saying over and over 'I'm having so much fun, this is awesome ! woooo!'

heheheh

One of the birthday girls friends ended up taikng me home ina cab - Odie gave £40 for the far - OMG! I remember that too as well as the good samaritan who took me to her flat. I now know how to look after someone after that. I woke up fine, vomited abit but not alot was left in my stomache. I waited until my kind host came to check on me - apologised for my stae and thanked her perfusely. This really was not in my character she even mentioned my friends said i was depressed about my job and just downed some vodka. Erhhhhk what was I thinking?

So i was in a nice flat in Mudchute! A quick dlr trip got me to Lewsiahm within 15mins, where Ododo waited and wanted to bus me back home. She was pleasently suprised I was standing upright in my heels looking better than her and she'd been partying till 3am! She bussed me to Catford and I double checked with her if i did anything embarrassing - luckily not - they bought me subway at one point but again thought I was going to heave - I on the other hand was quite enjoying it :) Hmmm... oat meal bread!

I can't believe Michael Jackson died today at 10.55pm at the age of 50.
What's worse is he died for cardiac arrest a normal death.

I expected:
"News Flash: MJ face melts off and then get's run over by donkey cart in LA!"

I hope his kids get looked after properly, preferably by the mom and without the towels over their faces.

He was a legend in the music industry. Micheal Jackson you left a legacy, I just hope someone else can make music as thought provoking as yours.

I hate it when people just down right LIE to your face.
It makes me wanna throw stuff and mutilate myself.

...

Breaking a plate is more do-able than cutting myself - I can throw the shards away but I can't hide the scars.

I sound like such an emo, what have I become. I wish I were a cat so that sleeping would be top on my agenda of the day.

My cat thoughts: SO WHAT EXACTLY IS INSIDE THIS CORD, must gnaw, must gnaw, to determine what's inside? GNAW - GNAW- GNAW - REVEAL YOUR SECRETS CORD other than you're chewy...

That insightful chat I had at the weekend affected me more than I thought.

Monday i was like a zombie and tuesday no better. The CEO made a blunt shot at me saying I looked 'drained' and wasn't portraying the image he wanted. This later evolved to I looked ugly, and as receptive as a brick wall. Nice.

It's hard to explain what I was feeling and well I thought I was more unwell physically but mental I don't know anymore. Perhaps his criticism isn't ringing any bells any more- instead they are breaking my barriers. Well it's obvious I'm letting my self down, I have put on 1/2 a stone in the last few months, how I'm not sure. I need to somehow look happy all the time knowing I have no money or long term co workers. i'll always be training ppl and hoping for the best and dealing with his tantrams.

My want for the project to succeed is still strong but whether I can work in that environment anymore is another question. He sat there for an hour calling me stupid and an idiot for not understanding the obvious. I'm not physcic and I definate envy anyone who is. Why can't I be appreicated for the work I do rather than BE expected tow ork like a race jockey becuase I'm an ethnic minority. All the white people who have been here are worships becuase they've bothered to give this project a second glance.

After a revelation of information from a ghost of my past - I have realized my reasons for working at my company are listed as : UNKNOWN.

The goal I had when I arrived have morphed a lot from what they were to what they are now - I can't pin point why but my feelings around the project are different more human but maybe not in the conventional way. My co workers don't seem to influence me any more because I'm the one stable entity and they will stay max a month, so why am I making the effort to socialise? Do they even care? Am I the starting point o their convo with other colleagues?

I feel resentful that I can't feel comfortable in a place I supposedly 'hang' out for 4 days a week...it's a large chunk out of my life. WHY don't I just move to boring admin work or become a librarian?

...


Never do something that your told to do if you don't agree with it, I've been doing that a lot recently and it's coming back to bite me in the ass. I've lost a ray of light that entered my life at the end of last year, someone who inspired me, gave me hope and made me smile. It's going to take a lot to get them to listen to me or entertain me again. Perhaps that is a sign for me to leave this cut throat place.

One email spoilt some sort of happiness I could of kept to the side toand keep me going.

One confimartion I got was people really did have fun on that fateful Friday when the boss and I were not around. That was the day it all happened but I never got the truth from ppl involved, they either feared I'd rat them out, didn't take me seriously or didn't turn up. I'm not sure if I resent this behaviour from happening or resent not being part of it - hahaha...I haven't lost my youth & humour yet...or maybe I'm immature and not career driven. Let's face it I can't belive I woke up at 5am today bothered by these things.

I'm so aggravated right now. I'm working my ass off, while other swan off doing the bare minimum or worse. One person is here is here cause they look the point. I stumble across a work mates 'twitter' & she's complaining about how boring the work is they r doing & back 2 asos shopping. CHARMING! Everyone is getting credit for the website that i'm breaking my back to make. Argh. Why is this burden on my shoulders. My rents will kick me out if I carry on working here 4 free. I've been thinking about mutilation, some self harm 2 let this frustration out. I'm too squeemish tho. What am I thinking?! I'll quick 2 piercings 4 now.

Yesterday was not the greatest day off of my life.

Well it went well apart from:

1. not drawing
2. having knee pains from when I fell down the stairs on Tuesday
3. being forced to go to the gym
4. my bookcase falling on me (if only it had books on it not pointy expensive figures!)
5. lost my red sock which I found last week after a few months of it being incognito
6. Eating no dinner as it all looked unfurfiling
7. dad taunting me about the bookcase.

I was devastated that I was squished by the book case but more upset some of my favorite figures got destroyed, this was due to my mum coming in repeatedly and trying to put the shelves back up which continuously collapsed and hit my figures over and over again.

Thanks mum!!!!

She then undermined me even further by telling my ill father who has the worst mood swings when taking his medication. He ended up taunting me from downstairs laughing at my misfortune and telling everyone else int he house. Eventually my mum called me down to go to the gym, I was not having any of that.

My knee was already swollen and my right side and back was now in pain. Even thought we eventually fixed the case, my ego was still bruised. She ended up bribing me with £20...not enough to cover the damages but enough to get me to the gym and do a half arsed session. Pain ruled today!

It's been a bloody inconvenience.

It's not so much about getting 2 work late but more about having to fight through so many sweaty lost business bods.

When someone says "Wow you look great in that dress" normally it's them either taking the piss, or genuinely jealous that they could never look that great in that dress so sending you bad karma alongside it and then lastly they would love to see you OUT of the dress.

I'm not usually this cynical, I just feel me twisted hatred coming back to the surface, now that hasn't happened since sixth form.

These days everyone has something to complain about so it's hard to measure my own problems amongst Jacky's " I don't have anything to wear in Peru! Why do shops not sell shorts anymore?" - because we rarely get a hot summer, British weather is fickle if you get some sun, it'll rain too.

Or Glor's "Nobodies love's me, I'm fat, and hate my life, give me sweet release kitchen bleach!" - yup suicide the easy way out but can I be bothered to be the attention seeking chick in my click? there are oh so many already. Anyways I belive if you do something, do it right, it's all or nothing.

SO after my nap and then rude awakening from Bobby at 1.30 and then 40 minute chat about his abilty to make ladies feel 'speacial' - lol gotta love his wording. I managed to drag myself to Eden Park to get ready at Leanne's. I was feeling wretched all day. Got there 7pm when the ball actually started but her and her sister weren't ready and Adele wasn't even there. LOL!

We ended up leaving her house at 10pm, i had already told Leanne i'd leave early cause i felt ill, but she was pissed off at the other too for wasting so much time I'd paid £30 quid and was not going to get my moneys worth <-- that was kinda nice of her to say that for me, even thought I'm sure she was getting annoyed with all the obstructions.

It was ok, the marquee had some cheese playing but then the DJ started playing boring jungle music. No special decorations, there were 2 sheesha's lurking around which I didn't get to partake of. Damn it. Went through the freezing field to club sandwich dance floor, danced a bit then FINALLY dj Max & Ob (from hollyoaks) to DJ. Got some ok photos but lefta round 12.45. My bro was throwing a fit about him going to bed, which he wasen't my parents wanted me back home thena nd there. Selfish but I was feeling ill so i went home anyway.

I've been thinking about so many things recently. My dad's bribe, the CEO's attitude about success, my art, my friends. I'm lagging behind and yet I'm working my hardest. Maybe I should apply 4 'the apprentice'.

After his chat yesterday afternoon I felt a bit resentful, he spent the day gassing away to the office, ended up making the Iranian chick cry (not surprised, I'm sure she'd not used to criticism). Ended up lecturing the mature 'successful' looking woman and well got offended when she wouldn't treat him to hot chocolate. that is kinda rude, don't offer and then not follow through. I'm not impressed with his behavior at all, we're never going to make money at this rate, what is this invisible barrier stopping him form selling?

I ended up calling him senile when he went on about how amazing Monika's PP and Behnaz's research was...well duhh I told him about it all on thursday but he failed to listen as usual. I'm the dumbass doing all the work while the others make his fat ego feel good. I'm bored of this.

Was up most of yesterday practicing my manga. Trying different styles whilst trying 2 let a bit of my own personality shine through. It didn't happen. All I got was emotion less faces. My mood reflects my art and i'm not happy at the moment. So I tried 2 put my anger there instead, got a better result! Wen I tried 2 go over it in my muji art pen (thick & fine on both ends) it had dried up. My arse of a brother nicked it, rinsed it and on top of that ate it's lids like nobodies business. Being an only child is the way 2 go.

Hope the CEO got some work done on Friday, while i'm away the mice play. It's sad but sometimes I think he's stopping himself from making money.

Later today i have the summer ball to attend, I don't want to go anymore...Leanne dosen't inspire any excitement and her sister dosen't acknowledge me and is more preoccupied with leanne's friend Adele, Adele is crazzzzzzzzy, we can't let her drink unsupervised. She is dangerous.

My outfit is coola nd I even unearthed my pink teapot bag, it's a bit dented but it'll do...I feel so ill. Nothing is satisfying my self lotahing, I will so emo - shame i don't have much balack clothes, i'd be sorted for work! LOL.

I decided to make the most of my day off. (after I baby sat the office crew in the morning) I went ahead and shopped in my local shopping center.

Saw some cool Jane Norman, h&m, dresses in one of the charity shops. Shame they were slightly too small but they were new and 3.50 each! Damn. I liked the black one. I might go back and buy it anyway and year a test under to retain dignity. Anyways as one does, I decided 2 do something risky and thrilling. I stole a top from Peacocks, it was weird and I was waiting 2 get caught. I wasn't too obvious took one without a security tag, went 2 the changing room with a few and bagged one then returned the rest 2 the original rack.

Wot nearly screwed me over was a shimmer stick I bought the idiot sales clerk didn't deactivate the security tag, so that went off wen I came in & out.

In a way any I went off wen I came in maybe the security guy gave me the benefit of the doubt?

What is wrong with me, why do I want attention for all the wrong things...i want to get punished for something i didn't really want to do.

I wish I could b something different. I hate being plan b, the escape goat. It makes me think of that crazy scotish cow that ruined my makeup career. Why do people screw each other over without even a 2nd thought? I was supposed 2 b involved in some sales meetings 2day. Boss ignored my progress reports most of the day that pissed me off as if got me 2 menial tasks and then slammed the door in my face 4 one of the meetings 2 hint that I shouldn't come in. I hope him & the 'successful' white woman have fun together as i'm getting bored of this crap, i'm being forced 2 note on. I'm not a door mat.

After yesterday's non exsistant lunch, I got git bad by acid in the stomache. Not good, ate at home felt queasy then couldn't sleep. Pain aching through my body, whilst selfish git took the sales assistant 2 coffee. What a travesty. I ended up coming in late today due 2 no sleep and continuing pain. Sarcastically he told me 2 eat something b4 coming in. Cheers 4 the sentiment a day late. Next the fun came. I word some retro clark sandels which belonged 2 my mum. I remember her buying them. They had strong alter and gold straps brought together by gold clasps.

They literally fell apart on the street!

I thought I was walking a bit wonkey, maybe gum stuck underneath, ohh noooo it was bits of foam falling off my shoe. The heel had slowly turned into a stumped and they became flip flops except the straps were coming apart to. So I had to walk back until it broke, and walked bare foot home - I know, imagine the diseases I could catch from the ground, I was more bothered about pigeon poo - I can't be smelling!

So new sandels were grabbed, shame this time by the time I got to the office the plastic straps had rubbed on my big toes and cut into my feet. I'm still itching now. I need to TCP it asap.

I'm starting 2 feel quite insulted having 2 double check other ppl's work. They are assigned 2 do it. They do well then they get praised. They screw up they get their wrists slapped. Why do I get pushed between the bullet & the target? If they make a mess it's MY fault as i'm overseeing their work.

Bullocks.

That opinionated editor, Katie, was packed this morning. It was her and day 2day and she was already throwing her weight around. Silly girl made two scenes one about expenses yesterday and again 2day about her meetings. What really pissed me off wen she was explaining 2 US what copyright was on photos. Give me a break I've only been doing this a year! Boss went with the 'successful' looking sales girl to the italieo cafe 4 coffee at 5.30 so she could get to her party on time. I always miss/cancel/arrive late 2 my plans whenever if finds out I have any. Why is it one rule for me & another 4 others....

So my dad desperately wants me to leave my job so in order to do that, he has sunk to the level of bribery. I have no problem with this tactic, depends how much :p

He gave me the media section from the Guardian newspaper and said that for every application I complete he will give me £20. However he wants printed evidence and I'm oh so lazy, I didn't do any last night and I send a request email for an application form just now to get the ball rolling.

It's difficult for me to apply to stuff in front of new people in the office, I need to set the example so I have to be clever about it. I can't have people use it against me.

My mum also dropped the Blackberry Pearl at this new strange middle eastern set electronics store, it must of been the incense making me feel nostalgic of the warmth I miss abroad. £10 to unlock cheaper than the guy in the wall nearby. He did however say the phone would work with my 3 network as it's not 3G compatible...so after 3 days of investigating I had a cool phone, I just can't use it! I spoke to a salesman in the 3 store yesterday in my lunch break and he said only the Blackberry phone would be compatible with 3G and that the other models may work but some features would be disabled.

It was all random finding this info out as I found myself there after getting lost on my way to 'So high Soho'. This place is in a labyrinth but worth it for the treasure they hold! They specialise in piercings, incense, patches, designer punk memorabilia, costumes, masks, wigs, nookart bags etc. I came here especially for their conditioning semi-0permenant hair dye. Which is over a pound cheaper than Sally's on Wardour street.

I also contemplated buying a top hat but I've decided to be the mad hatter's hare buddy for the Alice in Wonderland theme at my last ball - so no hat but I get to use my tea cup bag finally! Yay! Thank you Octopus for selling the weird and expensive!

So as my boss got on the Eurostar to Paris, I got on the train to Brighton! Bev had told us about it 3 weeks in advance but I had only really made my mind up on Friday night that i was going. Surprise surprise Ododo canceled, I was bit dissapointed as I did want to chat to her about getting extentions :(

SO we got there around twelvish, not hanks to the late comers me & Glor got there early and had to wait. The jjourney there must of taken over an hour, I was soooooooo bored, we played trivial pursuit but it made me even more sleepy. The part was quite small, but we spend hours wiating for caricatures and well I ended up getting the crappy chibi one rather than the elaborate pretty one, the lady doing that had a waiting list and becuase Glor needed to go early we missed our turns. The Chibi ones we got done becuase the people at the stall were good fun so it wasn't too bad -I ended up buying some prints too. I'm not too bothered, it's just inspired me to start drawing my manga again. i need to stick at it. Maybe i can do caracatures at the next London Expo :)

I eneded up buying subways as I ran out of money, even thought I did well I sold Glo a mascara and bev a eye liner so i had train fare and money for my caracture! The fish and chips however gave the others stomache aches after they ate theirs so i think i ended up with the best food choice but i WOULD HAVE prefered KFC.. We then went and sat on the peer for a few hours soaking up sun, playing cards, throwing stones at each other. Whoever won, lost or just VL got stoned. I won a few times so i got stoned loads, one got my kneecap good so i was limping back tot he station, Bev went mad when she got her tooth chipped.

We eneded up leaving around 8pm and got home around 10ish. It was a good day out though, I'm going to email the caracature guy about featurinjg him on the website, he's black manga artist, that's not a usual sight, so he'd be perfect for our book section. trivia - also gdid the latest ddr monkey logo for Tokyo Toys!

It's been a strange week, I feel like things are progressing in the project but then there is always something that trips us up.

Now this thing is a 'she' this mature lady has joined the team and hasn't got a role, she isn't computer training - only barely knows how to turn one on...I'm not trying to insinuate I'm a high tech kid but every job you have will consist of touching a computer whether to make a graphics for a game or type up an article. If applied to be a writer and she types so slowly I wonder what she did previously in her life.

So i found out what she did, about 10 years of beauty, hair and makeup for TV, hmmm that explains the lack of intelligence... People take it for granted knowing how to use the computer but this case proves, everything counts in this fast evolving world. My boss ONLY wants to keep her for her 'successful' image. I find it quite derogatory saying that as the rest of us look 'immature' or can't be taken seriously because we're black or brown in a white world. Yup he's said that to me and makes me feel pretty small when thinking about everything i have done and sacrificed for this project.

She has definately clocked on I resent her but I have to work with her however annoying and slow she is and I am making an effort so I am being grown up about the whole matter. I had to break the ice by having an hour conversation with her on Friday and she happily spoke about everything and I'm not sure what we can do with her, she has her ambitions and if taking her as a show pony to meeting and not saying much will bore her. She dosen't want ehr to be a receptionist either as the boss compliments her on her 'amazing telephone manner' ahuh.

The boss got nervous when he realised me and her were having a 'heart to heart' and took a break in between his buisness metting to speak to her. I have to say she must think he's hitting on her I wouldn't dare suggest it with all the stuff in the air since the Russian fiasco but I'm sorta waiting for her to suggest it to moi.

Conveniantly enough since we have 2 new sales people starting on monday she won't be around as she has clients and needs to make some sort of money to support herself, so we can focus on the guy but the cocky girl might not come in after the rough interview she had - she got all uppity.

The end of Friday was the boss running off early to a doctors appointment (he's went Paris yesterday for the weekend to finalise a deal for the awards in morocco, back on Monday around 3ish probably) after 10mins I left for a late lunch break with Caroline. I needed the air, the sun, the relief. We talked about politics, nonsense, ugly dog s in the park and gossiped about old friends. I miss having those moments. She even got me a little present - a hello kitty charm braclet - the kind you get in a tin foil wrapper and you collect the plastic flat charms. My first two had pictures of a nurse and scout :)

She pottered around after we got pizza and met up with me after work - I left 20 past 6pm so I was running late but Caroline was on the phone to Arani when I came out, done with her essays in July. We spent 30mins int he mammoth Paperchase near my office and then looked in Boots at the cosmetics you know looking at girly stuff, eyeliner, eyeshadow, cute cake prints on pencil cases, ahh it's so refreshing to be a lady again!

The CEO's mind was churned after the conversation on Tuesday, the editor was a mystery and had a poker face about the work she did and her personal obligations. Since he wasn't in yesterday he thought he'd have a firm chat with her on the phone regarding the issue, surprisingly he wanted it on loudspeaker and for me to be witness. it was good for me as I found that she had family issues which confirmed my own suspicions that her mum had cancer, I know these sort of things from comments she made about Jade Goody dying, my dad has brain cancer so i'm already well verse on the terms and guessed a long time ago. She didn't physically say it but i understood.

She now lay it on the table she wants to look after her mum and this is not where she wants to be in her life, although the project is ace, she can't see herslef being an 'editor' fair doos to that but she should have told us a long time ago...this wound him up even more as know we have to find a replacement. Hopefully she will do a prefessional job with handing over etc.

I ended up getting a call from him a little before 10pm to discuss what he has done from his end with the marketing meeting with a potential sales guy I found him. My phone cut off as I was on a train and he called me back an hour later suspcious about why I cut off - this guy is so paranoid, I wonder how I've put up with this for so long...?

It's weird/nice he trusts me enough to tell me about his meetings, personal thoughts, maybe it's a test to see what I'll do with the knowlege? Saying he's surrounded by 'stunning models' ina opening of a club with the marketing guy and his new conquest(or new assistant as he told me) makes me wonder if he wants me to be jealous? Lol he said that i need to protect him from the gold diggers - ROFLOL, they don't take me seriouslly let alone respect or listen to me. If only I were tlaler I'd command a presence. He is naive sometimes whether it is genuine or put on is another thing but this notion can get him into trouble. Put into comprimising situations due to his own lack of power to diffue it. Maybe I'm reading into it too much? For me I've grown mentally and could be more of a pshycologist that a media 'darling'.

As much as he waited like a lemon for the marketing guy to come so they could 'bond' he had other agendas and brought his assitant! So got on with it chatted to the owner kept the pR going, put the shades on and enjoyed the ambiance for what it was 'It' girls and c-d-class celebritie and made a dignifyed exit saying he had another party to go to.

Brilliant, I would of felt awkward as hell on my own. He really has some amazing social skills. At 2am he decided even thought i ahd the day off the next day, HE needed to get up early to look after the office, ha I really am the 'linch pin' as much as he dosen't want to admit he 'needs' me to glue the office together.

After much suspicion about the editors behavior and loyalty to the project. Things came to light today or yesterday.

After a long chat on the walk to Baker street station on Tuesday evening, wasn't really planned as I'm sure the CEO wanted to catch up with one of the external marketing guys (he came in for a meeting/reassurance that our contract in June was definitely happening). THE GUY IS WORSE THAN MY BOSS WHEN IT COMES TO GOSSIPING! He wanted to know about what was going on in the office and I cleverly averted attention and threw it back at himself. I don't trust the sleeze. He pat me on the leg and i thought 'Hang on that ain't right...' so I've confirmed to myself this guy is a perv and not really to be trusted as far as you can throw tim. Obviously I'm not going to tell the boss about the pat on the leg as he'll flip at him and we may lose the contract, that's one thing I like abou him - he will stand up principles and cut his nose to spite his face if it's right.

So our conversation revolved around progress in the office, daily reports, where we were with the IT team - constant problems - they seem like amatuers to me reall, this is probably their first real project.

We came to the conclusion, progress was being made but only short term - we were more stable than ever keeping people for a month at a time, it didn't give them time to get comfortable and therefore cocky. People needed the reference, they knew it was necessary to to a good job to get their reference at the end of the month. However things were a little hazy with the editor, after her various interviews she inted pretty much everyone on board. The only issue was an elderly lady who the marketing huy knew and made a point of calling us and saying he knew her. He didn't tell us if she were good or bad but that created bervous vibes for my CEO. The editor like me is creeped out by the guy and to spite him invited her on board. The CEO didn't like the fact they knew each other - this could lead to spying etc...so told me to call her and tell her we changed our mind. She in turn kept calling us and basically was having a rant and even sent us a stroppy letter implying we were age discriminating. We just didn't want more politics, age didn't even come into our minds. Blahhh.

SO much bull to contend with, the CEO thinks the marketing guy is lying about his buisness ventures, his fiance, I must admit he is half the time gassing about maybes but could he really have become so successful after he got kicked out of our office. Felt like he was bragging to me when he took me to the meeting room to give me an update on his life. Meh, why am I the agony aunt?

After the usual epic sheesha time on friday, even though it felt nice to let my concerns be known and even talk about the unfair treatment towards myself (because i'm always the escape goat.) there was a change of tide. This was from me. Today things felt different. Yesterday I was too busy wrapped up in the internal politics.

People's behaviors were being discovered. The good south African editor was quite sarky, nosy too but took criticism well so I will miss her wen she leaves this Friday. Veronica was a gem for the 'Blackcard' project, very systematic but lacked in passion but after pushing her to call an unlikely restaurant as a client he ate it hook line and sinker. I was more proud too be honest if I hadn't pushed her she wouldn't have done it. Especially after the CEO gave her cutting criticism after not talking to her the whole month really. Oh well if takes the credit. All I know is I'm happy.

Despite all the calamity with password changes and the website going down...as usual I find a way out. At least I can harass this new company within British opening hours, whereas before having a 3 hour gap in the morning due to them being in India was difficult.

I don't know how but I was channel surfing last night whilst toiling away uploading homepage content and at 8pm I found the Eurovision song contest.

Since when was Israel part of Europe???

Well the jist of it was Norway's entry - "Fairytale" was nice and so was Armenia's entry. the rest didn't leave much of an impression on me - except for Denmark which was bizarre as it had a Ronan Keating look a like singing like him too - it was all very 'stars in there eyes' entry. There was a weird custome malfunction at one point where the hostess walked out ina acheap wrapping paper ensemble - what was that about? Germany's entry had Dita Von Teese dancing in the background.

After that bizarre few hours of UK actually getting into the top 5, first time since 2002. i remember the time when we got nil points - ahhhh memories, what a terrible entry 'Gemini' I belive it was called.

Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice was on the agenda after that and it's a lot more complex than the pevious two, it has a lot more story which makes use of Vic Mignogna as lord Mao and Laura Bailey as Raspberyl voice talents. I can't wait till the May London Expo, i'll get to meet Vic and I'm already palnning on getting him to sign the game cover and perhaps some other goodies i can find in my room...hmmm.

It feels ironic they made in a school setting as Vic more recently did voice acting for 'Ouran Host club' and it's all about clubs, attending lessons. Cool but I'm not ready to play it until I complete number one. I like to do things in order.

Anyways I've been avoiding the inevitable, as I had a hardcore conversation with the boss on Friday over Sheesha and well as much as I tried to fob off the invitation, seemed like he really wanted to talk about the office, how things went whilst he was on holiday in Morocco. (I tell you now that if it wasn't for me putting his mind at rest before hand he wouldn't have gone.)

So we wlaked in the faint rain towards St Johns Wood, I always get over heated in the office so the cooling affect of the rain felt nice on my skin. It was only when we arrived at the cafe that the heavens opend up and it REALLy poured!

Yikes, he was being his usual evasive slef never really asking what he wanted to know. I answered everything I could volunterring bits about people to reassure him I wasn't hiding anything. Despite him trying to wind me up and me answering back in a bitter tone, he took it all well but...I'm not sure anymore what the deal is with him anymore. Why am I being treated like the workhorse in the glue factory adhering to all the rules whilsts others get to throw their weight around but 'We can't be too hard on them, we need them.'

What about me?

Have I become that predictable? I wonder at times like this, I only got to this postiion becuase no one else was around at the time - I was a comprimise, i told him, don't know if he took it on board as he was more concerned about others on the team.

Ha I'm the one after that confidence shift working at the weekend to make the website fresh and working whilst others are going out getting drunk having fun. This is messed up.

Why do people let each other down? The funny thing is no natter how much my boss gets screwed over this time if has a contract that kick binds the twat in question to pay 1/4 of a million or get this ass sued. The boss reckons it's pointless as the guy has nothing to begin with...the guy is a bull shiter extrodinare of course he's extracted money. I've become of trained in figuring out people it's scary.